There you have it

CD 27...atleast af is reliable.

Staying alive...oh I mean awake

not that I totally know the difference at the moment...its 7 o clock in the morning and I am practically keeping my eyes open with toothpicks trying to stay awake...I just finished up a night shift from lastnight and as JT is at work till 10 I have to stay awake for my little man...who is sleeping like an angel in our bed...I so desperately want to go snuggle with him but I know the moment I do Ill pass out...so Im writing to stay awake...so much for a couple of days off work huh...so Im back there again tonight at 10.30 till 6.30...then have Sunday off or sort of...more sleeping and then shopping and running errands Monday then...you got it back to work Tuesday...only Im not just doing my usual 2 till 9.30 Im also doing the Tuesday night too...till 6.30...so a massive double...omg what have I gotten myself into...positive is the girl I swapped with is doing my Wednesday so more time to sleep...bliss...then back on Thursday and THATS it for the week...especially the weekend...I am planning to do something extra special with Luke this weekend and he gets to choose what it is...no point in working all these hours if you cant have any fun...so I think so far hes decided on bowling...might throw in Maccas too...Im due for af around Sunday too...so lets hope that continually working these crazy hours keeps me distracted a bit longer...oh Sundays tomorrow...hehe damn these night shifts throw you out...so tomorrow is CD 27 and today is now CD 26...oh the body clock is going nuts...Im not even sure how I feel about ttc this month even though Im so close to af due date...I guess thats the beauty of distraction...so from my previous entry I kicked my own ass...I have cut way way way back on bad stuff and have been really really really good...I have been drinking heaps of water and eating good stuff not crap...still working on my mental state but Im getting there...oh I wish my little guy would wake up so I cant be tempted to just shut my eyes which we all know what that will eventuate into...bless his big gorgeous heart and soul hes an angel when hes asleep...sleep sleep sleep sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...I can only dream.

I want out of this blackhole

I have become too laidback for my own liking and yes I dont like it...I feel like I have taken it too far this month as if I am punishing myself and my body for not being pregnant...like I am hiding my pain and acting like I just dont care anymore if it happens or not...living as if I am in total denial which I have been...or more ignorance to our situation...running away from the solution and going the other way...seeking some sort of false solace in another attitude...another person...its time to stop that and find my way again....I am guilty of cheating myself and treating my body badly...we did "try" this month but without yet knowing if we are successful yet I have adopted the attitude I should not...my caffeine intake has been huge...Ive been getting by at work on energy drinks and adrenaline as I feel like if I stay on my path that I should be on I will crash...but I guess I am now on that path now...I have been eating so much takeaway and bumming around...basically either putting on a mask or hiding from all that I want to run away from...and have been just lately...theres no balance or middle ground...I have lost sight...I have given up hope and I am scared I wont find it again...I am not strong and dont know how I will find the strength to fight this...I am moody...I am over it...I want to scream and yell and shout and cry and bang my fists in a repetitive hard and fast motion against myself to let me know that I am being weak and pathetic...I know what I must do...its just finding the ground again...ground that is supportive...firm and strong...I need motivation...I need to pull myself out of this frame of mind and look after me and my body...I need to find focus again for what is best for me and my family...for the future of our not yet here baby...and most of all I have to for me...I have decided just sitting here I will do this...I have to...or I will not be able to live with myself in peace...I even lost my way with my blog...avoiding it for fear of having to admit the way I have been feeling...I have officially crashed and now I need to pick up the pieces.

Poem I found

online...it may not be beautiful and dreamy but I think its true and logical...in a poetic way...


When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit....
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit....
It's when things go wrong that you musn't quit.

Winging it

and not regretting it or wishing otherwise at all...not sure what Im talking about...as those of you that follow would know...Friday was the 1st of May and CD 11 so JT was due for his last injection...the gp wouldnt do it two days before as its a strong dose...and we all know things happen and stuff cant be helped...so on Friday he was kept back at work pretty late and there was a situation with sil and her girlfriend so I was called up to babysit while they went to hospital...so with Luke...Corey and a baby getting around and with JT finishing late and all the drama from the day and night...we discussed it and decided hed go on Saturday the 2nd and CD 12...we have become so preoccupied and obsessed with injections...dates and such we decided on Saturday that it was probably too close to ovulation to get it as JT gets a bit sore and making love doesnt become much of an option...so after all this talking and deciding and trying to see the bigger picture in our lives we have decided to wing it this month...to take the "trying" out of it if only for this month and just see what happens when we atleast try and stop the stressing at ovulation and just enjoy eachother...crazy maybe but I really think we needed this this month...just to let the reigns go a bit...so we were cuddled up on the couch on Saturday night and it occured to me we hadnt tried everything we intended in the past...that little bit of hope struck alight inside me and I started googling...I found reviews and happy endings all on the one webpage and was filled with hope again...possibly just maybe this could be our story...want to know what Im talking about do you...would you think Im nuts for thinking this could even work...well maybe I am...but two months of needles hasnt worked yet either so why not...what do we have to lose...I showed JT and he had a read and he was keen to try something new...and so I got the "product" out of the bathroom cabinet and lit some candles and on night 12 which was Saturday we made love like we were really making love...not just ttc...which was special...and on morning 13 we made love again...too soon maybe you say but what harm will it do and we connected again...on an intimate level that we shared so greatly before...so I bet your wondering what it is we used in place of the third injection and I bet you think were still crazy and pondering why we would go this path this month...but like I said the injection just was at the wrong time of my cycle...and we were still in the month of the last one...so Im positive we have done what is right and good for us...so this weekend was pretty damn good...and being CD 14 today you know what that means dont you...so now I have spilled nearly all of my most intimate details here...your probably still asking what it was I googled...so I was put onto a special lubricant by a very close friend of mine a while back and went and seeked it out...since then its been in my cupboard and untouched...never tried it once...so I googled and found all these stories that ended so happily and am hoping that I can post a happy ending too...

So this is what has me hoping this can work for us too...

www.preseed.com

You can go straight to the story link from the main page to see what has given me a spark of hope again...

So its basically about creating the perfect home and environment for JTs swimmers...

Do you think Im crazy...maybe but we have to try...and say this fails too JT is back to the doctors in a couple of weeks for the last injection so were set for ovulation...fingers crossed and heres hoping this craziness pays off.

Random ramblings

So we had a better night lastnight...all of us...JT had a great afternoon with Luke...Luke had a great day at school and was happy to be at home with JT...and I had a great night at work...they came and had dinner with me...obviously it was a quick dinner...I just cant express how much I love Thursdays...JT and I are still keeping ttc and our love life seperate...we kiss more and hug more and can laugh and talk better than we probably have the last couple of months...I missed him so much even though he was with me...it was like we were far away at times...but now I can feel we are together totally again...so what am I going to do with the rest of my day?...food shopping is a must...then get a coffee...as a treat and go buy a couple of baskets for our firewood and strike up the fireplace this afternoon as its getting a little chillier especially in the early mornings...so maybe this weekend JT and I can snuggle up with a movie in front of it...Luke is welcome too ofcourse...until bedtime that is...and changing the tone of this post...because Im feeling like writing random ramblings...today is the 1st...eek...so JT has his shot today...the last one and that means its CD 11...eek again...I really hope this is it...I truly wish and pray and am on my knees hoping that this is our month...weve certainly waited long enough...so trying to stay as optimistic as possible...and after ovulation I will not count the days...I pinky promise...which means I need a distraction...not that I dont have enough of those really though...this month might be the time to get off my backside and head off to TAFE to enrol...hmm another thing added to my plans today...Ill stop rambling on now and better go food shopping or Ill have two very hungry lads this afternoon and tonight.

Being a working mum

at the moment is tough...Lukes still not adjusting totally and its been 10 weeks now...we had a sad moment this morning dropping him at school...sitting in the car and he had the saddest look on his face...so I asked him what was wrong...he said he didnt want to go to school and that he wanted to stay with JT when he gets home...I explained that sometimes he picks him up straight after work...so that wouldnt work as I have to leave for work earlier and he said he didnt want to go to school and didnt want me to go to work...because he misses me...it broke my heart...trying to explain to him that he has to go school for one and I know when he gets there he loves it...and that some mummies actually work more than me...so some kids only get their mummies for two days and he gets me the four days...looking at the positives...except when I pick up extra shifts like on Mothers Day and the Sunday after...but Im not telling him that...yet anyway...its hard because he breaks my heart that he cant adjust well...and I really would love to stay home and play housewife and mummy only but I cant...mentally I cant...I need the stimulation...with him at school all day I need to feel a part of something and that I am contributing to our future financially aswell...we can do more with him on weekends and holidays because we have extra money and bills get paid without stressing because my pay covers them when they roll in...our mortgage is getting smaller with the extra payments and we still can afford to do things...so take away my pay and we cant do anything...and Im really hoping that soon very soon Luke will adjust and this may bring JT and him a lot closer so they can have a really really close bond...they do already but closer...JT is finding it a bit trying too...but he just needs to find his groove...so Im trying to find a way to make him feel included in my worklife too...so he is coming in tonight to have dinner with me...after swimming...this will also be a hard road but hes a strong and accepting soul so I know he can get past this...it just shatters me when I hear that he was asking for me through the afternoon...I guess this is what they call mother guilt...anyone with any ideas Im open to them...please.

I do not

feel strong right now...I feel weak and torn down...I feel beaten and spit on by peoples words...I feel like Im tired of smugness and ignorance and I feel like I need the support of friends that cant or just wont provide that support...I feel I need someone to just ask how I "really" am and just listen...I feel like crying a million tears on someones shoulder instead of on my own...I feel like I want to scream at someone anyone...I feel like I have passed on a burden to my husband that should be mine...I feel sad...I just feel so so sad...I feel like I dont know what to do...I feel beaten and tired.

Can a person really be so

downright ignorant and just plain rude...I have just spent the last two weeks working with possibly the most stupidest...most ignorant person on this planet...tonight was our last night working together...amen to that...so I confided a brief rundown of our ttc history a little while back...and she knew this the last two weeks...I highly doubt she'd forget...firstly...upon confiding my hard journey she immediately says "We want to have another one soon...I fall really easily"...erm ok then...then she says in a sing song tone the other day (yesterday)...we are going to have another one or maybe even two or four or six...to a dementia resident...this story goes on...seriously do you want to just pick up dog s*** and rub it in my face...it would be more pleasant...I have never met a more ignorant...rude person...or have I...nah she just eats the cake...Im not the only one that feels this way either...I look forward to Thursdays when Im on my own and dont need to babysit my emotions from people like this...I just keep telling myself one day they will get a wake up call...some way somehow...so now I feel like dirt...after her raving about "cool" baby products and other random ignorant comments...Im officially drained and over it.

Tt

f...ind another outlook...and tt...b...e more of who I used to be before this infertility thing stole my identity...JT and I found eachother again over the weekend...for the first time in a while we were able to just enjoy eachother and be like we were when we were free of this...it was wonderful and we are making the effort to keep it that way...we talked...we laughed...we talked more and laughed more...we watched movies together while holding eachother and we enjoyed eachother without the preconception of making a baby...its been great to do this...and its been such a huge weight off my shoulders that now I know that with whatever this infertility throws at us...we can pull through...together...so that leads me to CD 8...Im trying to keep as positive as I possibly can...JT has to go back to the docs on the 1st for his third injection...so CD 11...so we should be set for ovulation...were just going to see what happens this month then he'll go back for another test if it doesnt happen this month to check his levels...then we will have to go back to the specialist and take it from there...we are both hoping so bad we dont need to but will see what happens...not much else we can do...no other choice really...I just really feel now that with JTs support and love I feel so much stronger than I would without it...we talked about what may come after and he is all for it...we talked emotionally...physically and financially and we know where and what we both are looking at...this journey could be a longer one still after this month...this may fail but we will push through...we will keep trying...because aslong as we have eachother we can and aslong as this desire burns for another child we cant give up...even if we wanted to...so I guess we sit and wait till ovulation and just enjoy eachother until then...and let sadness out when we need to because there is no shame in that...its what keeps us together in this...the ability to share...our compassion and express how we feel...I wont count the days this month...or try atleast...but remind me when its the 1st of May.

The holidays over

As I sit here now typing this...its quiet...too quiet...I can hear the sound of my washing machine and the tv but theres a sound...a joyous happy sound missing...yes sadness...Lukes back at school today...holidays are over now...we went and got him all his winter uniforms yesterday...stimulated the economy hugely and the uniform lady pleasantly sent us away while saying "See you next time"...yeah I bet...Luke looked gorgeous in his new uniform with his grey pants and spunky jumper...he really looked like such a big school boy today...he wasnt overly keen to go but we got there...he wanted to stay home with me...poor lil man...explaining to him I have to go to work anyway took a while...but eventually he was happy to go...dropping off his bag he wouldnt give me a kiss so we had to wait till the kids went to the play area so he could give me a hug...so thats begun...its just lucky that hes so affectionate at home...I dont know what Id do if I didnt get my hugs and kisses anymore...I know that day will come and I dread it...I really do...so it looks like its back to not seeing my lil guy during the week much again...sad about that...but these are the things we have to do and thats life I guess...just counting down the weeks till the next holidays roll around...having said all that I am so proud of him...and I really hope he has a great day back at school.

Will I ever learn

I went in the baby section "again" while Luke was looking at toys...I was mucking around with him playing hide and seek and accidentally found myself in there...bad very bad...so I had to cheer myself up and get a milkshake for Luke and a Michels cappucino for me...didnt work much...Im bad.

Getting on with getting on

in all my distractions lately it seems Ive neglected our house...I have just finished rewashing clothes...yes I had to rewash them and then hang them out plus another two loads...big loads...then vacuuming all the rooms and cleaning our new kitchen floor and dusting...where does all the dust come from thats what Id love to know...then there was the clean stuff to put away and the dishes to wash and drip dry...when will my cleaner be here to do all these wonderful things for me huh...oh and it seems Luke is now scared of the vacuum after the years when he was little and loved to help vacuum...where have those days gone?...I think thats it...the house feels a lot fresher now so thats giving me a new sense of bliss today...we have to move soon though and go to the shops to get JT a big juicy steak to satisfy his man needs and to get a couple of new photo frames for our photos from the seal and dolphin kiss from the Pet Porpoise Pool in Coffs Harbour last weekend...Lukes enjoying a nice cold iceblock at the moment so I may leave on that note and make myself a much deserved decaf and sit for a few minutes more...and try and not let sad thoughts ruin my moment with my happiness.

Beaming with pride

because of my amazing little or should I say big boy...I was at work this afternoon and on my dinner break made my usual call home to my boys and was talking to JT when he told Luke to tell me what he got at swimming...the sound in Lukes voice made me want to see the matching sparkle in his eyes...he had his usual Thursday swimming lesson and he excitedly told me he got an award from his teacher...for swimming 2 full laps unassisted...no floating devices absolutely no assistance BACKSTROKE!!...I cant even begin to express how happy I am and proud...he has come so far with his swimming...its incredible...he is amazingly determined and smart it astonishes me at times...so he wanted to stay up and wait to show me when I got home from work but the poor lil fella...bless his beautiful soul...didnt make it lol...he fell asleep on the couch and thats what I found when I walked in...my proud lil guy lying on the couch fast asleep while he was meant to be waiting for me...its moments like that that make me ache deep inside to keep him deep in my heart like that forever...and brings out a part of me that yearns so desperately to create something new to share in Lukes joy and gorgeous personality...I have so much love to give...more than one lil person could possibly take...so in the morning I just know that he will wake excitedly ready and waiting to tell me all about his award...and I cant wait to hear it...we may even go celebrate tomorrow...why not...its a pretty special occassion isnt it.

Suprise suprise

So todays entry isnt going to be about ttc...its about whats happening in my life at the moment other than that...makes for a bit of a change huh...well anyway works being a pain in the a@@ at the moment...as much as Im glad Im there it seems like out of the "new" girls Im getting the raw deal...most of the time...were supposed to be on a rotation roster...so we move from section to section every fortnight but I dont...I stay in one section 2 days and rotate the third only...it took me a bit to get used to that idea and now I am...another spanner has been thrown in at work...Ive been asked if Id do split shifts if they were to move some of the "heavier" peeps and be permanent two days in there and keep my third rotating day...problem there is I cant do the morning...with Luke I cant so Id lose 3 hours a day...two days a week and would have to pick up another day and still be 2 hours down in my hours...not only that but Id be floating between two sections...heavier sections and only paid low care rates...because if they pay me higher rates and my low care rates for Thursday that would possibly be classed as a second job...JT doesnt want me doing it and I dont want to...its not definite yet but the idea is there and thats where it starts isnt it...so today I may have to go let my boss know its no good for me...I want to stay with the hours I was given when I got the job...its just not enough and doesnt fit with our life...Im flexible and will take extra shifts if they need me but this is beyond what I began with...will chat to my boss anyway...better to be honest than unhappy...especially as eventually it always shows...so theres that...then Lukes on holidays still...been so good to spend time with him especially with working afternoons...I dont really see him during the week as hes at school and when he finishes Im at work...thats a bit hard but has to be done if we want to get where we want to be...were paying off our mortgage pretty quick now...with the interest rates being cut were paying an extra $150 a week on our loan so it comes right down...so financially we have our heads screwed on...we've already paid off $2000 on our loan...*pat on the back for us*...last time I checked...Lukes doing awesome...hes been so good these holidays and doing really well at school...hes reading and up to a level 3 reader already...hes great with numbers...not like me lol...he also asked me this morning while having cuddles in bed if I could stay 27 so he can marry me when he gets older lol...hes so cute...such a treasure...so lifes pretty busy here...and I dont think it has any plans on slowing down...Im off to play with my big boy now before it comes time for work again...life doesnt slow down...you just have to try and get in what you can.

Guess who rocked up

yesterday?...if you guessed af you got it in one...but believe it or not it didnt devastate me like it has in previous months...maybe because I was expecting it or even because I am starting to believe that having a baby is just not in our future...so that leaves us with our last month of injections and this treatment...the "last" month...this was not in my plan...my dreams...this was meant to have worked by now...JT and I were talking lastnight and I was trying to tell him how I feel about this so called journey and how Im not sure about how I can go on after if this next month doesnt work...JT still wants to do the tests after and more than likely go on with further treatment but when does it stop?...when do I get my turn and what will it have to take?...when will I be the one to be able to show off my bump and happily talk but not ignorantly about my pregnancy?...aslong as we are stuck on this constant journey I cant stop asking myself these questions...and having people trying to diagnose me and just come out with ridiculous crap will just continue aslong as I continue on this path...but seriously...how do we stop?...I can see although JT wont say it...it kills him when af arrives and he cant say "lets stop" so I guess all there is left to do is to keep on and try and revive what we have together at the same time...I need to step up and take control of this...to not let it run all over us...to not let it smother us and extinguish the flames that kindled brightly for JT and I...to not let us let the baby chase take over what we have in Luke...to try and fulfill what we all desire but enjoy eachother aswell and not drown in the sorrow of the disappointment and the ignorance of others...we need to vent and talk to others who understand and those that truly want to listen and care and dont try to solve or diagnose our situation and block out those that do...we need to consider the next step if next month is unsuccessful and sadly I feel it will be...its amazing that now that we have the answers to why?...we cant quite make it still...one thing is for certain...I will not hide now...I need to speak and be heard because this infertility we suffer will suffocate us if we hide beneath it and I truly hope our friends can try and support us the best way a friend can because we will need it...but although we are on this journey of sadness and disappointment and hurt...we have eachother...and we have distractions...other things to keep us in life...connected to it...and connected to eachother...so how I am feeling when this last month is done I will not know till then but I know that if I do not take control now I never will and I may just drown in this...which I will not let myself do anymore...so with that I stand up and say "Yes we are suffering infertility" not just one of us...we are in this together but we are not weak or stupid...we do not need simple solutions...they dont work...we need support and care so if you are unable to do that...do not say anything...ask how we are...but do not tell us how or what we are doing to get it wrong...so with af here I will move past this last month that has failed us and look to the next...one month one cycle at a time and we will pull together...because thats what we do...and when sadness hits me I will just hold my beautiful son and thank god that I was blessed with him and pray that I can be blessed with a second...and I will look at JT and realise that we are in this together and he is an amazing support and truly hope and wish that we can stay strong and revive what we once had...it wont be easy in the coming times but we can do this together...I know we can.

Sad

Im feeling very sad today... its going to be one of those hard days... just been reading all about people having their babies doesnt help I guess... I just wish I could join in... all the fun banter that goes on and people looking forward to having their babies and its conversation I cant join in... which makes it more painful... I guess I just shouldnt look... but its like when your a kid and your told not to do something which makes you more tempted to do it... then you do it and you live to regret it... for a couple of hours or days anyway... I wish that I could join in and not feel this pain day in and day out and just laugh and get excited about my baby arriving... thats not possible though.

A moment of defeat

Where do I start tonight?... the mixed emotions that have just plagued me over the last couple of days or the toll that this so called "journey" is having on my marriage... the fact that our amazing sex life has become about the chase of getting pregnant and less about us as a couple and the fact that I cant reprogram my brain otherwise at the moment... or what about the fact that I am at times ready to quit this whole thing and hang up my hopes and live with the reality that we just wont get our baby... I love JT madly and I want our passion back... I just dont know how to get back there and past all the baby chase that has now finally consumed us... in a moment of self defeat lastnight I said to JT that we should stop trying after the injections and just move on... try atleast... hes so strong... stronger than me... his response... we cant give up... we cant do that... I so desperately want this and yet I am so worn... so worn down by the months of disappointment... when will it end?... and if it doesnt end... how will I possibly truly live with this thing called infertility which took away our baby that we will possibly never meet and the sibling that Luke will never have?... how?

Why oh why

do people feel the need to make others "hold" their babies... especially me... if they really thought about it theyd probably think otherwise and realise that I really dont want to hold their baby for too long... and if I did Id ask... wouldnt I?... I mean really you know the history why do it?... they may mean well but when will others especially those that should be more sensitive to the situation realise that the hold the baby approach kills me after about the third time... and its not like I can say "No I dont want to hold the baby... again..." for fear of coming across rude or something... maybe just maybe a bit of sensitivity people... it knocked me around so much lastnight after getting home... as if its not hard enough dealing with it everyday... thinking about it almost everyday... do I really have to have your "baby" forced into my arms?... just some food for thought.

When things get smelly

put your car windows down... so I get up early this morning to do the school run once again... thank goodness its school holidays starting tomorrow... forget making his lunch today... its time for a lunch order... we get ready and organised then out the door and into the car and are hit by the most disturbing... just most offensive smell... JTs hockey shin pads in the boot of the car... omg... Luke and I were almost knocked out just by the first wave of the stench... how many times does a wife have to complain about the smell of her husbands grotty and smelly shin pads before he removes them from the car and cleans them!! Needless to say Luke and I had the windows down all the way to school... and now they are hanging on the line polluting the clean fresh air... just carrying them out to the line I was almost dry reaching... I am so not washing them... he now has a whole week to get them clean and smelling more respectable before they make it back to the boot ;) what is with men and their smells.

You shouldnt have done that

you know you shouldnt have done that Linda... tsk tsk... yep, I went in the baby section at Target while stocking up on easter eggs... again... all the little baby socks and bootees and little singlets and rompers and there so so little and I so want to have to buy them... but I cant... its not like the baby part is at the front of the store either... its tucked right in the back in the corner and I still manage to make it there everytime to just torture myself... and dream of the day I can shop in that section again... why do I do it to myself?... I dont know... its like an invisible force just pulls me there... what I wonder though after doing this is what will happen if we dont get our baby?... will I continue to linger in that section and think of the baby I never had... the brother or sister that Luke will never meet... should the day I can go buy that pair of socks and that gorgeous tiny little baby romper arrive I just know there will be tears... happy tears... lets just hope that day comes soon... or that section may just taunt me forever.

Annoying comment of the day

well... here it is "Atleast you have Luke"... hmm tell my beautiful... giving and caring 5 year old son who desperately wants a baby sister or brother that... geez... and from someone that I am close to... who should know better... I know that I have an amazing little boy and I count all my blessings for him every single day... do I deny anyone else their happiness of having another child or of even trying... should I just be satisfied and content with having the amazing family I have even when my little boy asks why we havent gotten another baby or when he kisses my stomach because their might be a baby in their... maybe someone should tell my sweet boy that he should be grateful to be alive and be happy with that... do people have to live these heartaches every day... and look in the eyes of an innocent child and try and explain why they dont have that brother or sister they want... is it so hard to just listen and offer some comfort or a hug or even just a shoulder to cry on... do people really think these comments will make things seem brighter... because they dont... all it does is amplify the pain... and suggest I am not grateful for my sweet boy who I treasure with all my heart and soul... if only I could be filled with all this ignorance that some people experience every day then I may not know this pain that I live with every day... makes it so much worse when its from someone that should know... that has been there from the very start...that could have offered a shoulder instead of a solution... in their eyes anyway... if people listened maybe they would understand if they truly wanted to understand... now Im just waiting for someone to come and explain to Luke that he should just be grateful that he has us.

How unromantic ttc is at times

or lets just say all the time... it kills any passion or sense of adventure or just any of those things your meant to feel when being with the person you love especially at ovulation... just try putting yourself in the position where you need to book in a day to have sex... it kills it right there... its not about planning a special date night its all about the making of a baby... it has become virtually impossible not to think about it when I hit CD 13 and once again we have to start trying again... its like I count my life in cycles and in cycle days... and for far to long have I been doing this... whats brought this on you ask?... yep, yesterday was CD 13 so right on ovulation... and yep, we needed to "book" in... so being a Tuesday I was at work... finish at 9.30 at night and come home to my beautiful son lying in mine and JTs bed... so theres that problem... who needs a bed I bet you are thinking... well... Im tired... I feel dirty from work... Ive been annoyed while at work (not by anything work related) and to top it off... Im just not in the mood... too bad... its CD 13 and theres no turning back two days... so we managed to "try" and we did "succeed" and I guess thats what counts... so that brings us to today and CD 14... there I go in counting my days in cycle days... and yep, you guessed it another month... another cycle... another "date"... since we started treatment it has become so much more real and so much more technical if you can say that... three months and we are talking further treatment... IUI or IVF... how would I go with IUI... Id cope well Im sure... IVF... not so sure... and being in our second month of injections is just making it more intense... that third vial is still teasing me... so what will become of tonight?... I cant really say yet... but will "try" to atleast bring out that sexy mood in me after work while driving home after busting my a@@ for 7 and a half hours to do what should be the most passionate thing in the world... promise... but heres hoping Luke is lying in his own bed tonight.

Put your hand up

if you would like to go to work for me today?

Noone... damn... was worth a try.

Tooth fairy paid a visit

lastnight... so we cleaned it up and left it sitting out and like magic... she came... took it and left Luke a 5 in its place... she must have used her magic wand to get in... thank goodness because I wasnt overly fussed on leaving the door unlocked for her... very sneaky tooth fairy... Lukes looking forward to his next tooth coming out now... dont rush it my boy... I dont want you gappy everywhere all at once... needless to say his spent it already and we havent even been to the shops yet... so we have now reached yet another milestone.

Run for a ribbon

Today takes me back to my cross countrys back in my old school days... Luke has his first cross country today and he said hes going to try really hard to win his mummy a ribbon... I told him as long as he tries Ill be very very happy with him regardless but hes still keen on bringing that ribbon home... he wants a blue one... my boy aims high ;)

I am

on CD 12 and having a mini meltdown... if it doesnt happen this month I dont know how much longer I can push through this whole thing... poor JT is taking the grunt of it all... we need a miracle...

Stupid ass needles

I hate them so much... JT had his second needle a few days ago now... so wishing he didnt have to but thats life... he was a little worried because the gp was a bit "older" and a bit more "shakier" than others... so he put it in the less fleshy part of his butt which means it hurt more... not that it would have compared to giving birth but I still feel for my poor guy... were onto CD 12 now... I hope JTs butt feels better soon... and I hope these needles work... its amazing to think that we had Luke and didnt even try and now we cant get our precious baby that we really would love to have... for us and for Luke... ironic isnt it... I swear the very last vial is teasing me... like its saying... "hehe Im the last one... and theres nothing you can do about it if you need to use me" or am I just going crazy... I feel so powerless against this... its like an insane war between me and that very last vial... lets hope we dont need it and we beat its ass...

Luke

lost his first tooth lastnight... Im so stoked I was home to see it... and not at work.... he looks so cute with his little gap... unfortunately the tooth fairy didnt have any money to leave in return for the tooth lastnight so she asked me to clean it over night and leave it for tonight... how much do you think a first tooth is worth?
Im thinking a 10er what do you think? Or is that too much?