Guess who rocked up

yesterday?...if you guessed af you got it in one...but believe it or not it didnt devastate me like it has in previous months...maybe because I was expecting it or even because I am starting to believe that having a baby is just not in our future...so that leaves us with our last month of injections and this treatment...the "last" month...this was not in my plan...my dreams...this was meant to have worked by now...JT and I were talking lastnight and I was trying to tell him how I feel about this so called journey and how Im not sure about how I can go on after if this next month doesnt work...JT still wants to do the tests after and more than likely go on with further treatment but when does it stop?...when do I get my turn and what will it have to take?...when will I be the one to be able to show off my bump and happily talk but not ignorantly about my pregnancy?...aslong as we are stuck on this constant journey I cant stop asking myself these questions...and having people trying to diagnose me and just come out with ridiculous crap will just continue aslong as I continue on this path...but seriously...how do we stop?...I can see although JT wont say it...it kills him when af arrives and he cant say "lets stop" so I guess all there is left to do is to keep on and try and revive what we have together at the same time...I need to step up and take control of this...to not let it run all over us...to not let it smother us and extinguish the flames that kindled brightly for JT and I...to not let us let the baby chase take over what we have in Luke...to try and fulfill what we all desire but enjoy eachother aswell and not drown in the sorrow of the disappointment and the ignorance of others...we need to vent and talk to others who understand and those that truly want to listen and care and dont try to solve or diagnose our situation and block out those that do...we need to consider the next step if next month is unsuccessful and sadly I feel it will be...its amazing that now that we have the answers to why?...we cant quite make it still...one thing is for certain...I will not hide now...I need to speak and be heard because this infertility we suffer will suffocate us if we hide beneath it and I truly hope our friends can try and support us the best way a friend can because we will need it...but although we are on this journey of sadness and disappointment and hurt...we have eachother...and we have distractions...other things to keep us in life...connected to it...and connected to eachother...so how I am feeling when this last month is done I will not know till then but I know that if I do not take control now I never will and I may just drown in this...which I will not let myself do anymore...so with that I stand up and say "Yes we are suffering infertility" not just one of us...we are in this together but we are not weak or stupid...we do not need simple solutions...they dont work...we need support and care so if you are unable to do that...do not say anything...ask how we are...but do not tell us how or what we are doing to get it wrong...so with af here I will move past this last month that has failed us and look to the next...one month one cycle at a time and we will pull together...because thats what we do...and when sadness hits me I will just hold my beautiful son and thank god that I was blessed with him and pray that I can be blessed with a second...and I will look at JT and realise that we are in this together and he is an amazing support and truly hope and wish that we can stay strong and revive what we once had...it wont be easy in the coming times but we can do this together...I know we can.