There you have it

CD 27...atleast af is reliable.

Staying alive...oh I mean awake

not that I totally know the difference at the moment...its 7 o clock in the morning and I am practically keeping my eyes open with toothpicks trying to stay awake...I just finished up a night shift from lastnight and as JT is at work till 10 I have to stay awake for my little man...who is sleeping like an angel in our bed...I so desperately want to go snuggle with him but I know the moment I do Ill pass out...so Im writing to stay awake...so much for a couple of days off work huh...so Im back there again tonight at 10.30 till 6.30...then have Sunday off or sort of...more sleeping and then shopping and running errands Monday then...you got it back to work Tuesday...only Im not just doing my usual 2 till 9.30 Im also doing the Tuesday night too...till 6.30...so a massive double...omg what have I gotten myself into...positive is the girl I swapped with is doing my Wednesday so more time to sleep...bliss...then back on Thursday and THATS it for the week...especially the weekend...I am planning to do something extra special with Luke this weekend and he gets to choose what it is...no point in working all these hours if you cant have any fun...so I think so far hes decided on bowling...might throw in Maccas too...Im due for af around Sunday too...so lets hope that continually working these crazy hours keeps me distracted a bit longer...oh Sundays tomorrow...hehe damn these night shifts throw you out...so tomorrow is CD 27 and today is now CD 26...oh the body clock is going nuts...Im not even sure how I feel about ttc this month even though Im so close to af due date...I guess thats the beauty of distraction...so from my previous entry I kicked my own ass...I have cut way way way back on bad stuff and have been really really really good...I have been drinking heaps of water and eating good stuff not crap...still working on my mental state but Im getting there...oh I wish my little guy would wake up so I cant be tempted to just shut my eyes which we all know what that will eventuate into...bless his big gorgeous heart and soul hes an angel when hes asleep...sleep sleep sleep sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...I can only dream.

I want out of this blackhole

I have become too laidback for my own liking and yes I dont like it...I feel like I have taken it too far this month as if I am punishing myself and my body for not being pregnant...like I am hiding my pain and acting like I just dont care anymore if it happens or not...living as if I am in total denial which I have been...or more ignorance to our situation...running away from the solution and going the other way...seeking some sort of false solace in another attitude...another person...its time to stop that and find my way again....I am guilty of cheating myself and treating my body badly...we did "try" this month but without yet knowing if we are successful yet I have adopted the attitude I should not...my caffeine intake has been huge...Ive been getting by at work on energy drinks and adrenaline as I feel like if I stay on my path that I should be on I will crash...but I guess I am now on that path now...I have been eating so much takeaway and bumming around...basically either putting on a mask or hiding from all that I want to run away from...and have been just lately...theres no balance or middle ground...I have lost sight...I have given up hope and I am scared I wont find it again...I am not strong and dont know how I will find the strength to fight this...I am moody...I am over it...I want to scream and yell and shout and cry and bang my fists in a repetitive hard and fast motion against myself to let me know that I am being weak and pathetic...I know what I must do...its just finding the ground again...ground that is supportive...firm and strong...I need motivation...I need to pull myself out of this frame of mind and look after me and my body...I need to find focus again for what is best for me and my family...for the future of our not yet here baby...and most of all I have to for me...I have decided just sitting here I will do this...I have to...or I will not be able to live with myself in peace...I even lost my way with my blog...avoiding it for fear of having to admit the way I have been feeling...I have officially crashed and now I need to pick up the pieces.

Poem I found

online...it may not be beautiful and dreamy but I think its true and logical...in a poetic way...


When things go wrong as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit....
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out,
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar.
So, stick to the fight when you're hardest hit....
It's when things go wrong that you musn't quit.

Winging it

and not regretting it or wishing otherwise at all...not sure what Im talking about...as those of you that follow would know...Friday was the 1st of May and CD 11 so JT was due for his last injection...the gp wouldnt do it two days before as its a strong dose...and we all know things happen and stuff cant be helped...so on Friday he was kept back at work pretty late and there was a situation with sil and her girlfriend so I was called up to babysit while they went to hospital...so with Luke...Corey and a baby getting around and with JT finishing late and all the drama from the day and night...we discussed it and decided hed go on Saturday the 2nd and CD 12...we have become so preoccupied and obsessed with injections...dates and such we decided on Saturday that it was probably too close to ovulation to get it as JT gets a bit sore and making love doesnt become much of an option...so after all this talking and deciding and trying to see the bigger picture in our lives we have decided to wing it this month...to take the "trying" out of it if only for this month and just see what happens when we atleast try and stop the stressing at ovulation and just enjoy eachother...crazy maybe but I really think we needed this this month...just to let the reigns go a bit...so we were cuddled up on the couch on Saturday night and it occured to me we hadnt tried everything we intended in the past...that little bit of hope struck alight inside me and I started googling...I found reviews and happy endings all on the one webpage and was filled with hope again...possibly just maybe this could be our story...want to know what Im talking about do you...would you think Im nuts for thinking this could even work...well maybe I am...but two months of needles hasnt worked yet either so why not...what do we have to lose...I showed JT and he had a read and he was keen to try something new...and so I got the "product" out of the bathroom cabinet and lit some candles and on night 12 which was Saturday we made love like we were really making love...not just ttc...which was special...and on morning 13 we made love again...too soon maybe you say but what harm will it do and we connected again...on an intimate level that we shared so greatly before...so I bet your wondering what it is we used in place of the third injection and I bet you think were still crazy and pondering why we would go this path this month...but like I said the injection just was at the wrong time of my cycle...and we were still in the month of the last one...so Im positive we have done what is right and good for us...so this weekend was pretty damn good...and being CD 14 today you know what that means dont you...so now I have spilled nearly all of my most intimate details here...your probably still asking what it was I googled...so I was put onto a special lubricant by a very close friend of mine a while back and went and seeked it out...since then its been in my cupboard and untouched...never tried it once...so I googled and found all these stories that ended so happily and am hoping that I can post a happy ending too...

So this is what has me hoping this can work for us too...

www.preseed.com

You can go straight to the story link from the main page to see what has given me a spark of hope again...

So its basically about creating the perfect home and environment for JTs swimmers...

Do you think Im crazy...maybe but we have to try...and say this fails too JT is back to the doctors in a couple of weeks for the last injection so were set for ovulation...fingers crossed and heres hoping this craziness pays off.

Random ramblings

So we had a better night lastnight...all of us...JT had a great afternoon with Luke...Luke had a great day at school and was happy to be at home with JT...and I had a great night at work...they came and had dinner with me...obviously it was a quick dinner...I just cant express how much I love Thursdays...JT and I are still keeping ttc and our love life seperate...we kiss more and hug more and can laugh and talk better than we probably have the last couple of months...I missed him so much even though he was with me...it was like we were far away at times...but now I can feel we are together totally again...so what am I going to do with the rest of my day?...food shopping is a must...then get a coffee...as a treat and go buy a couple of baskets for our firewood and strike up the fireplace this afternoon as its getting a little chillier especially in the early mornings...so maybe this weekend JT and I can snuggle up with a movie in front of it...Luke is welcome too ofcourse...until bedtime that is...and changing the tone of this post...because Im feeling like writing random ramblings...today is the 1st...eek...so JT has his shot today...the last one and that means its CD 11...eek again...I really hope this is it...I truly wish and pray and am on my knees hoping that this is our month...weve certainly waited long enough...so trying to stay as optimistic as possible...and after ovulation I will not count the days...I pinky promise...which means I need a distraction...not that I dont have enough of those really though...this month might be the time to get off my backside and head off to TAFE to enrol...hmm another thing added to my plans today...Ill stop rambling on now and better go food shopping or Ill have two very hungry lads this afternoon and tonight.