I want out of this blackhole

I have become too laidback for my own liking and yes I dont like it...I feel like I have taken it too far this month as if I am punishing myself and my body for not being pregnant...like I am hiding my pain and acting like I just dont care anymore if it happens or not...living as if I am in total denial which I have been...or more ignorance to our situation...running away from the solution and going the other way...seeking some sort of false solace in another attitude...another person...its time to stop that and find my way again....I am guilty of cheating myself and treating my body badly...we did "try" this month but without yet knowing if we are successful yet I have adopted the attitude I should not...my caffeine intake has been huge...Ive been getting by at work on energy drinks and adrenaline as I feel like if I stay on my path that I should be on I will crash...but I guess I am now on that path now...I have been eating so much takeaway and bumming around...basically either putting on a mask or hiding from all that I want to run away from...and have been just lately...theres no balance or middle ground...I have lost sight...I have given up hope and I am scared I wont find it again...I am not strong and dont know how I will find the strength to fight this...I am moody...I am over it...I want to scream and yell and shout and cry and bang my fists in a repetitive hard and fast motion against myself to let me know that I am being weak and pathetic...I know what I must do...its just finding the ground again...ground that is supportive...firm and strong...I need motivation...I need to pull myself out of this frame of mind and look after me and my body...I need to find focus again for what is best for me and my family...for the future of our not yet here baby...and most of all I have to for me...I have decided just sitting here I will do this...I have to...or I will not be able to live with myself in peace...I even lost my way with my blog...avoiding it for fear of having to admit the way I have been feeling...I have officially crashed and now I need to pick up the pieces.